When You’re Caught in the Middle: Understanding Secondary Estrangement in Families

July 15, 2025

When we think of family estrangement, we often picture two people at odds: a parent and adult child no longer speaking, or siblings who’ve cut off contact. But what happens to the rest of the family when these relationships rupture? Often overlooked are the ripple effects—what I call secondary estrangement.

Secondary estrangement describes the quiet, often unintended relationship losses that occur when someone else’s cutoff puts you in the middle. Perhaps your niece stopped responding to texts after your sister and mother stopped speaking. Maybe you weren’t invited to a wedding because your ongoing relationship with one party was seen as a betrayal of another. These are the subtle fractures that don’t always come with a clear break—but still hurt deeply.

These losses can be painful and confusing. They’re rarely acknowledged or grieved in the same way as primary estrangement. Instead, they’re often internalized as shame, guilt, or isolation—especially when staying connected to one person means distancing from another.

As a therapist specializing in adult family therapy, I see this pattern all the time. Families are systems, and when one thread is pulled, the whole fabric shifts. Secondary estrangement reflects just how interconnected we all are—and how much emotional weight people quietly carry when they’re caught in the crossfire.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Naming the experience is a powerful first step. From there, it becomes possible to reflect on your values, make choices about your family relationships and boundaries, and begin to process losses that may have gone unspoken for far too long.